The Cheese Stands Alone

Gramma,

Dave stayed home today.  I don't like that he gives me no advance warning.  He knew this on Friday.  I plan my days around his schedule.  So now I can't spend all day in bed with my boyfriend.  Dave is practicing for retirement.  Two years till go time.  He will have knee surgery and then shoulder surgery.  He's hoping he can skate out on that. 

Summer TV is pretty dreary.  We often watch several episodes of Orange is the New Black in the evening.  I binge watched the series while visiting my daughter in Denver two years ago.  Granted, I was drinking copious quantities of beer and ingesting pot candy, but I don't remember a lot of details.  This concerns me, as my brother is only 52 and has early onset Alzheimer's. 

As a former guest of the Wisconsin DOC, I find Orange is the New Black to be a good rendition of how things are.  Whites were the minority.  Crimes were mostly drug related.  My crime of Solicitation of Murder was highly revered, so I didn't get a lot of shit that new inmates get.  Nothing there is secret.  Inmates worked in the office and had access to information.  I had been in the state nut hut for a couple months being evaluated for trial.  This gave me the added security of being seen as a loose cannon.  I was classified as violent and dangerous. 

I was pretty much white bread back woods with no priors.  NO STREET SMARTS.  I was in church choir, garden club, president of the Fine Arts Board, and worked on Love Baskets at Christmas.  I was a secretary where I worked, until I had ten years in and was vested for retirement.  Then I grew ginseng for export.  We had forty acres of woods to grow it on.  I lived in mosquito heaven with three kids and their sperm donor. 

I compartmentalized my life--there was this life with my spousal unit and his abusive behavior, the public façade with him, and life with my kids, friends, and work.  I led a double life.  I didn't have the words or knowledge necessary to understand what he was doing to me.  There was some physical abuse, but the majority was emotional, sexual and financial.  Even when he was around, he was rarely available to us.  When he was, it was mostly not pretty. 

The last straw was when he did something to our oldest son that made him attempt suicide.  I came home from choir practice to find that he had been taken to a mental health facility more than an hour away.  His younger bother was sitting in a rocking chair in a fetal position.  The police had surrounded the house and confiscated a gun. 

I called his father at work.  "What do you want me to do about it," he barked.  "I just thought you would want to know."  The paternal grandparents blamed me.  I went to see an attorney. 

After I filed for divorce, things escalated.  Marriage counseling was an utter failure.  He had done nothing wrong.  And, so the stalking, gunfire, harassment and manipulation began.  His family was well-known in the area.  Friends and acquaintances backed away from me.  The cheese stands alone. 

Shit Barrel

Gramma, 

It's hot and sunny with no wind. It's supposed to rain later today.  I hope so.  Yesterday I went to buy wild bird seed and came home from Fleet Farm $300.00 lighter.  Plants were seventy-five percent off.  I also bought candy.  I had to go home and get the truck.  The back of my van could only fit so much.  No garage-sales for the rest of this month. 

I've been planting for a three hours and need to take an extended break.  Too much heat makes me sick and I end up down for the rest of the day.  I'm resisting the urge to take a nap.  I've eaten a pound of maple nut goodies and the sugar spike doesn't help.  Princess, my minnie Aussie, is in heat.  She is whiney and taking a nap.  Nobody would know if I took a nap too.  But, I am full of dirt, so no. 

My daughter-in-law seems to be avoiding me--not returning my calls.  I wanted the kids for a few days during the week.  They keep me upright.  The hell with it, just an hour is all.  An hour and twenty minutes later, I head back out to dig more holes.  I wasn't sleeping, but I wasn't moving. 

Girlfriend called this morning to tell me how crappy her mini-vacation was.  She took her soon to be ex-husband's sister with her.  Why is beyond me.  Icky Vicky whined the whole time about her husband and her brother.  The rule was that neither of those things were up for discussion.  Vicky said she didn't think that was going to work for her and wouldn't shut up.  No hotel reservations over the Fourth equaled a $200.00 a night room.  They came back from Michigan early. 

Another girlfriend called to tell me the latest drama with her kids.  One of her grandsons didn't want to hang out with his cousin while gramma spent time with her sisters.  So brat boy calls his daddy and protests loudly.  Daddy calls gramma and gives her what for about not watching his kids (for free). 

Gramma dropped the kids off anyway.  The granddaughter tells the her aunt, a new mother, that she is a baby killer.  One of her children died in a freak accident last year.  Of course, she heard that from her dad, who is, of course, an asshole.  So, the texting started between the two brothers. 

"You're a bad parent.  Your kid died because you weren't watching him." 

"You're a bad parent.  Maybe you should have given your daughter up for adoption at birth so she wouldn't have gotten molested by your in-laws. 

"You should get a job and maybe your wife wouldn't fuck around on you with your best friend, loser." 

You should quit your job and quit embarrassing dad with your shitty work."  (They work for the same outfit and the kid is a fuckup.)   "Shove another turkey baster of meth up your ass." 

Things deteriorated from there.  We all have something.  I am grateful for the peace and quiet of this day.  It is not my turn in the shit barrel.