Steve Stories

Gramma

Ben and I ended up sitting in the driveway/patio telling Steve stories. 

"Ask Steve about setting the prison gym on fire.  He gets teased about that a lot.  Fire trucks from two departments showed up.  It wasn't his fault.  Turned out to be electrical.  Caused a lockdown though." 

When Steve first moved in, he bought lambs.  Thought he'd make some money selling them in the fall.  They took up residence under his deck and shit all over the yard.  So he decides to put up a fence to keep them away from the house. 

Early one morning I hear him pounding in fence posts.  He has not put up a straight line first, so the fence weaves back and forth like a drunken sailor.   I sit up on the roof deck with my coffee watching this fiasco.  I don't know where he got the used fence, but when it was unrolled the stuff was about three feet high.  It had looked more like five feet when it was rolled up.  So Steve decides to put a layer of fence above the other stuff.  WTF.  He was raised on a farm. 

I asked Steve what his co-workers said about him having sheep.  He hung his head and shook it slowly.  "I never should have told them." he drawled.  I could just hear it.  "Bo Peep, how's the sheep?  Which one is the prettiest?  Baa, baa." 

I told Ben the story about when I had sheep and had dressed them up in lingerie because a guy from Dave's work was coming to borrow something.  The guy went back to work and never said a word about it.  He figured it would be like saying you'd seen a UFO. 

I had planned to dress Steve's sheep up and take pictures to send to the warden, but they wouldn't have reached his co-workers, which defeated the purpose.  It would still have been fun to do it for Steve's benefit alone. 

Then there was the time I watched from across the pond while Steve set to starting a huge brush pile on fire with a can of gasoline.  I figured I would be calling an ambulance, but he jumped back just in time.  I went over with my beer and said, "Only start a brush pile with used oil or diesel fuel."  Steve raised his beer, as if to say "right."  It got to be a late night drinking.  I knew Steve would have a hangover, but not me. 

Dave does not have any appreciation for bonfires and would only come outside if I called his phone yelling, "Bring a rake," or "Bring a fire extinguisher, and hurry up."  Dave has two speeds, not so fast and stop.  At work he says, "If you don't like this speed, you won't like my other one."   I have never seen Dave run.  He was snoring when I got home.